i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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