when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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