Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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