How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
