yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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