Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
