Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
