Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
