I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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