And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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