So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
