fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
