Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
