2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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