If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
