Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
