dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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