And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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