omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize