Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
