Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
