This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
