the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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