but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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