It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
