You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
