haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
