I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
