I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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