Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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