I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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