just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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