i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
