well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
me + whiskey = a bad person
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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