My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Randomize
