I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
