i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
