making cat noises will not fix the situation.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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