Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
