Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
