the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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