just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
