it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize