There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
