she was so not down for the gang bang
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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