HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My ass is underappreciated
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize