I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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