Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
