i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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