Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
