Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
