Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
be right there i have to get my cape
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
