I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize