Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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