Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
