Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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