just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
