unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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