I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
