I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
