my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize