I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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