I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
