I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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