theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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