I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
